Haven’t you ever said to yourself “Self, I want more of that delightful Ezra Pound, but I don’t want to have to read any of his poetry with those pretentious passages in ancient Greece. And I would like it to be funny. And to not actually be written by Ezra Pound at all.” Well, I have the solution for you! From McSweeney’s and Greg Purcell, I bring you

The Ten Worst Films of All Time, As Reviewed by Ezra Pound Over Italian Radio

Bambi: Filth.

Casablanca: ThisĀ  movie is filth.

Cat People: A race may civilize itself by language, not film. Cat People is filth.

Gentlemen Jim: Tot he Animals who made this usurious film: god damn you.

The Magnificent Andersons: This movie is indistinguishable from the filth-rustlings of swine in a sty.

The Man Who Came to Dinner: May you choke on it, bacilli.

Yankee Doodle Dandy: I sort of liked James Cagney’s filthy Irish energy in this one.

The Palm Beach Story: Bless: The Italian Dolcestilnovisti, the “sweet new style” current in the time of the papish Guelps and the imperial Ghibellines. One will particularly take heed of its foremost practitioner, Guido Cavalcanti. Blast: Preston Sturges and the Jewish moneylenders who helped him to makes this film.

Now, Voyager: Two boils for the director’s infected liver.

This Gun for Hire: This film reeks of syphilis. Filth.

(HERmione and Asphodel don’t really get into Ezra Pound’s more controversial opinions, but from what we’ve read, this seems to be on track. All it needs to be perfect is for him to refer to a woman as “it” at some point)